The other night, I read an article from CNN about the high suicide rates among family and partners of veterans with PTSD. A lot in the article spoke to my experiences. Now, here's the thing, the experiences that me and my family have had are NOT a reflection on my husband, as a person. I think it's easy to fall into blaming mode and look at the negatives, but, for me, I refuse to go down this road. My husband's fight with PTSD is not his alone and it does affect our family, BUT, we are a stronger family because of it.
However, I know that this is not a universal truth. Families are torn apart by PTSD and lives are lost. The statistics say that 22 veterans a day commit suicide because of PTSD and we are just now examining the numbers related to family member deaths. So far, they are astronomical. When PTSD enters our lives, it takes it over. It changes our loved ones into a different person and it makes them say or do things that they would never have done before.
When you read my writings, you'll notice that I refer to PTSD as a separate entity. For me, I've chosen to see it this way. My husband does not embody his PTSD, he lives with it. PTSD does not define him and it does not define my family. It has forced us to "a new normal", but in other ways, it has forced us closer. Communication has become the central of our existence. "Do you need to talk?" is an often heard question in our house.
But, I digress. Back to my original topic. We, as family of those dealing with PTSD are not super heroes. I get commended a lot for how I support my husband, but it's not worth of praise, in my opinion. I am just a partner. I am supporting him the best way I know how and I often fail. We, as family, are also not martyrs. We have our own thoughts, our own feelings and our own imperfections. It's easy to make PTSD the central focus of your lives when it enters a home. It's easy to ignore your own needs and your own feelings in the interest of healing. BUT, and this is important: PTSD never goes away. There is no cure. There is managing and there is time, but there is no absolute solution.
This truth makes it ever so much more important that, as support, your needs are met. You cannot do everything and you cannot fix everything. All you can do is minimize the damage. It is entirely acceptable to step back and say "I can't do this". It is entirely acceptable to say "I need a break" and it is entirely acceptable to NOT accept responsibility for everything.
Believe me, I have to remind myself of these things daily. I love my husband with everything that I have. I love him as he was and as he is. PTSD is not the central theme in our house. Love is. We are not perfect. No one is. I'm not coming to this post from a place of "haha, I'm doing this so much better than you", because, well, I'm not. I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and I am being treated for depression.
The good thing is, it gets better. YOU are important. YOU are worthy and YOU need to care for YOU before anyone else. There are resources. There is help. There are others. Sometimes your best resource is the person who has been there and understands your challenges. Step up. Speak out and demand to be heard. You deserve it.
