Disillusionment

Tonight's post is brought to you by the letter "D". For disappointment. And for disillusionment.

Let me explain.

My husband....yep, him again..... was part of one of the most vaunted establishments in our country. The United States military.

Here is where I'm going to pause and warn you all that this is going to be bitter and it's going to be sad and it will probably offend someone. I'm okay with all of this, though. Bitterness, sadness and being offensive all falls under the heading of "allowable" emotions when dealing with what life has thrown our way. So. Sorry, those of you I offend, but this is real life and real life is messy and offensive.

Back to what I was saying. The United States military. You hear those words and for so many people, it brings to mind honor and courage and well..... commitment. Heard that before? For me, it brings bitterness and anger.

I'll tell you why.

Because, to the military, my husband and his brothers were and continue to be, disposable. They took a strong, young man who had so much promise and wrung every bit of usefulness out of him that they could. Which, I get it. That's the way it works. BUT. The kicker? They used him, wrung him out and then abdicated  all responsibility that they had towards him.

Disappointment.

In this process, we start questioning more and more what that damn honor that comes from serving looks like and well, it's not what it was presented to be. My husband, literally, risked his life for this honor and ideal. He sacrificed years of his life, because, let's face it, disability takes it's toll on a body and he has yet to gain this status. At least in the eyes of our government. He is my hero and my children's hero and he will always be. He fought a war that well.... he shouldn't of.

Disillusionment.

This, folks, this is the dirty secret of war. This is the elephant in the room of veterans. It hovers, man.

It's rarely discussed. There are reasons for this, of course. How can you embrace the fact that you wasted your life for someone else's dirty games? How long can you sit and contemplate this before you break?

So, it stays rarely talked about, but it's always there. I walk into the VA hospitals and Vet centers and I see the defeat in our fallen warriors eyes. I see it everyday sitting next to me.

You should be ashamed, America.

Love in the face of war

Well, I blog a lot about our struggles, because, well, we struggle. Mental illness is not all it's cracked up to be, folks. Even with all the struggles, though, there is so much good.

I tend to focus on the negatives. It's a personality flaw of mine, I suppose. I do it to protect myself, but in protecting myself, I sabotage myself. It's a vicious circle, I know. So, today, instead of nurturing the negatives, I thought I'd look on the brighter side of life.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. Which, is, incredible. We've been through a lot, my friends, and that is oversimplifying in the extreme. We've, literally, been through a war and we keep fighting that war every day. Even though we have been drug through hell and back, our marriage has been strong and steady. It's been the one constant in my life for these past 11 years.

My husband has been my rock and my inspiration and he's been my world. He's encouraged me, in so many ways, to be who I really am and not who other people want me to be. And through it all, through the very dark times and through the war, he's showed me love. Lots and lots of love. I can't say that I would be the person I am today without him.

All of this seems trite and cliche. It seems like a sentimental rant, I get it. What I need for people to understand, though, is that even through all of my husband's problems and through his internal war, he can still step outside of himself enough to show me what I mean to him.

So, I mean, 11 years. It's an accomplishment. It's a huge milestone. And every day, every hour, every second of those 11 years has been precious to me.