If I could ask anything from this whole experience? journey? whatever you want to call what we're going through, it'd be for a manual. An instruction sheet on how to handle things. I'm not just talking about things like, triggers, although, let's face it, that would be nice. I want a manual that details exactly how I should react to outbursts, how to soothe a rage, how to make things easier. I want a detailed, outlined, full proof direction for my life.
I started this blog with the intention of helping other people in the same place that I'm in. Which, I know, is a lofty goal, but as time goes on, I find myself using it more and more as a sounding board for my own travails and obviously, for the obstacles that my husband faces.
You see, when you're sent home with that imposing PTSD diagnosis, no one explains to you what comes next. No one says, here, let me tell you what comes with that diagnosis. They don't tell you about the mood swings, they don't say anything about the anger and they sure as hell don't tell you about the fear. They don't tell you how to comfort your husband when he's struggling with facing his dark thoughts.
I wish they did.
They sure as hell don't tell you how to rebuild a broken person. I want a diagram for that. I want to know which piece goes where. Right now, I feel like I'm playing a giant game of Operation and I'm losing. That annoying buzzer and vibrations that sound after you touch the sides? Yeah, that's my soundtrack.
There are always the good times. I'll never deny that. And love. My life is full of love. My husband is a strong, capable person and his diagnosis will never define him.
For me, though, I want to be a better partner. I want to have a clear direction. Instead of muddling my way through murky waters. I wish there was a manual.
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