Anger

Anger.
n.

A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.

It's a word that carries a lot of weight. It's a word that brings a lot of images to mind. It's a strong emotion, sometimes overbearing. When dealing with PTSD, anger is a constant. There's anger at eachother, for small slights, for big slights, for imaginary slights. There is anger at the kids, for the same types of actions. Then, there's irrational anger. Anger directed at the disorder, anger just directed anywhere, to whomever or whatever is in your way at the time.

For me, I'm a fixer. I like to make things right and I like to help other people. My anger, a lot of the times, is directed at the disorder, in general. I feel like it's a seperate entity in our lives. I've referred to it as a monkey on our shoulders. One that hangs just in that area in between your shoulder blades, where you have a hard time seeing it. It pops it's head up every now and again and commits some sort of unexplainable act that just makes you shake your head and weep with frustration. The problem with PTSD is I can't fix it. I can't be in control. I can't reach that fucking monkey and tear it off. I want to, believe me I want to. I want to reach into my husband's brain and fix the connections that are broken. I can't. It leaves me helpless. There's nothing I hate more than feeling helpless.

That is one of the hardest parts of this journey, for me, anyway. Not being able to just make it better. Treatment of PTSD takes time, it never goes away. Ever. It just becomes more manageable. Triggers are identified and the Veteran or other suffering from the PTSD learns to avoid them or learns coping mechanisms for handling triggering situations. But, it never goes away. There is no magical cure.

I'm learning more and more to let go and to see the situation for what it is at that moment. An upset over how the toilet paper goes on the roll can be so much more than just that toilet paper at just that moment. It can be a flashback to boot camp and the instruction on just how to put that toilet paper the right way. It can be feelings of discomfort and not feeling like things are the way they should be. It can be a loss of control over self and over emotions. The one with PTSD is a victim of that monkey and it's poor behavior and the one with PTSD is the one who has lost all control, at that moment, over their minds, their words, their actions.

Fuck that monkey and it's mind bending ways.