PTSD and Safety

While perusing facebook today, I came across a post on a support page for Veterans and their families with PTSD. A woman was asking for advice about what to do with a violent husband. For me, the answer was simple; leave. Get out, get safe and THEN confront the problems. For other posters, the solution ran the gamut from leaving just while her spouse was violent and then return to work on the issues to "remember your marriage vows and DON'T leave", to "well, if you're not going to be supportive of your husband, just get a divorce". I find issue with all three of these ideas. As a wife to a veteran who suffers from PTSD, the very first thing that should come is safety and security. I have three kids with my Veteran. Three small, vulnerable kids. It is my responsibility, as a mother, to make sure those kids are safe physically and mentally. Living in fear for themselves or their mother is not safe.


On the flipside of this decision is my husband. Who suffers from a horrible, horrible disorder. It's not his fault, but his actions are also his own. He is not violent or I would obviously not be here. However, if he ever was, I'd have to make a horrible, horrible decision to end our almost ten years together. It wouldn't be an easy decision and I wouldn't make it lightly. I know that the second the kids and I walked out that door, his world would come falling down around him. I know this. I know that the very likely and horrible outcome would be suicide. We've discussed this. It's always there. Always. However, at that point, my responsibility for his mental health would end. It is a horrible thing to say and a horrible thing to feel, but it's the reality of the situation.


I see this advice given to spouses/partners of PTSD Veterans all the time. I think it's damaging and I think it's dangerous. For everyone involved. When my husband falls into a down, he hates the way he acts. He hates the way he feels. If he hit me, he would hate himself more. Thus, fueling his down further and putting the whole family in a cycle of destruction. In these situations, there is just not an easy answer or a magic solution. Unfortunately.


In the case of PTSD vs. an abuser who does not suffer from PTSD, there is a reason for the abuse. NOT an excuse, never an excuse. There is a cause, though and the cause needs to be contained before the violence. I see so many stories of abuse or even of murder/suicide in the combat PTSD community. It breaks my heart. The system is broken. Clearly broken. The care being provided to our warriors is lacking and it's lacking in essential, fundamental areas. It is failing the people who sacrificed the most. Including the families.